"Pop" 1923 – 2006

Husband to one. Father to four. Grand and great Grandfather to eight (2 of which are mine). WWII Vet (Thanks Pop!). Gardner. Collector of string, rubber bands and buckets. Pack Rat. Flirt. Hunter. Loyal. Lived a full life, was not cheated. Well loved.

We’ll miss you Pop.

Clearly, it’s no secret that we’ve had our share of behavior problems with Gage. At home and school. We’d tried several things…time outs, earning back toys with good behavior, pennies for good behavior and “shopping” trips at the Mommy Store, nothing worked.

We’d been having problems for a long time by the time we consulted with a psychologist last June who specializes in behavior. He was the professor of a trusted friend who has a PhD in psychology. On the professor’s advice, we implemented a Child Management Program (CMP) based on insights from us about Gage, insights from his impression about Gage (he’d met him once) and a book called Parents are Teachers (don’t be thrown by the 1971 published date – yes, it’s strange to hear references to the pay scale in 1971, but easy to gloss over that). 

I’ll just refer to the good Dr. as (The Man Who) Knows All Things Behavioral, or Dr. KATB. So, he noticed that Gage was getting a lot of attention from us for both good and bad behavior. Gage was seeking attention from us…and he didn’t care what he did to get it. Examples of his behavior were 1) hurting Quinn 2) not following simple instruction 3) impulse control problem 4) aggressive behavior, among many other things, but you get the picture. We charted his behavior for a period of time and he was hurting Quinn no less than 8 times per day, and non-compliant 80% of the time.

With the book read, and input from Dr. KATB, we began phase one to Gage’s Behavior Modification Plan…

1)      

Ignore bad behavior, when possible (if it isn’t hurting himself or someone else, or damaging property).

I will tell you one thing people: this is harder than it sounds. Okay, I’ll tell you something else: it is VERY, VERY hard to ignore your child when HE IS GETTING ON YOUR LAST AND ONLY NERVE AND YOU ARE SURE HIS HEAD WILL SPIN ANY SECOND, AND YOU HAVE TO USE EVERY RESERVE IN YOUR BODY NOT TO LOSE IT, AND THEN YOU REALIZE HE IS SIX AND YOU REALLY ARE SMARTER. SO TAKE THAT LITTLE BOY.

2)      

Praise, Praise, Praise anything that can be considered good behavior. When I say “anything” I mean…”Gage, I love the way you are walking down the hall” or “Gage, you are doing such a great job eating that apple!”

So, we started that. The praising was easy, we did it already at the time, and we just bumped it up. We praised Gage for anything we could. Sitting. Walking. Standing. Eating. Playing. Anything and everything.  “Great job Gage!” – “That’s a super way to do that!” – “That is awesome!” – “I love the way you washed your hands!” – “Fantastic!” – “You are doing a super with that!” – “Look at how nice you are to Quinn! You’re a super brother!”  I must say, this is a better way to spend your day than the alternative.

Two weeks later Phase One was well under way. We met with Dr. KATB weekly to discuss certain situations and get feedback on how to handle everything. He wanted us to institute Phase Two. The goal is to extinct a bad behavior one at a time. First up on the list: aggression. The punishment: Time Out. This time out? Not for sissies. 30 Minutes. Yeah. That was fun the first time.

First day: 2 time outs

Second day: 2 time outs

Third day: 1 time out

Fourth day: 1 time out

Fifth day: no time outs.

Turns out, Ignoring Bad Behavior, Praising Whenever Possible, and 30 Minute Time Outs were Gage’s magic formula.

There’s so much more to share about The Program and our continuing struggles (and the lovely experiences that have come out of this too). But this was our start.

Gage’s bad behavior wasn’t about him at all really, or him making bad choices. It was all about us. Great. Just great. You mean I can’t blame it on my kid?

His teacher says: “He had a great day!”

And I say: “Really? Oh, great!”

And she says back to me: “Yes it was a good day…he only tripped a deaf child in the hallway.”

And stunned I say: “Um…I don’t consider that a good day.”

And she closes by: “Trust me. It is.”

This happened well before winter break from school. But it’s a good teaser for my next post, which will address life with Gage’s new “Child Management Program” and why it should really be named “Parent Behavior Modification Program.”

Lessons learned.

1.      

It’s no fun being the patient, but it was a helpful reminder of how it feels on that side of the needle.

2.      

The capacity to bear bad new grows.*

3.      

Maintaining a sense of humor is essential when facing ORGAN REMOVAL (from a spouse or loved one) and ORGAN REPLACEMENT (in your child).

4.      

Yep. When you have chronically ill kids and an uncertain future, it’s extremely helpful to still adore your husband.

5.      

Praising the kids all day, every day is so much more pleasant than yelling “NO!” or “Don’t!” or “STOP THAT!” all day long.

6.      

It never gets easy to distribute 14 meds a day to your kids…so get over it.

7.      

It’s still cool to have a simple therapy goal met – even after over 200 appointments.

8.      

I don’t say “yes!” when I really mean “no.”

9.      

All milestones, however small, were meant to be celebrated.

10.   

Savoring friendships should be a priority.

* Technically I’ve plagiarized myself because this was in last year’s list, but it is worth repeating.

When we moved from our old neighborhood a year and a half ago we were in panic mode. We moved in two weeks before Gage began kindergarten (Take 1) and one of those weeks included our annual vacation to the beach – what I like to refer to as a “family trip” – not  really a vacation, like one might think of as a vacation, you know, before kids entered the picture.

During the last year, we were so busy selling the old house, getting the kids settled into new schools and working (not to mention how much work a pesky kidney disease or annoying vision disorder can add to a day) that I didn’t notice that I never mourned the loss of our old neighborhood.

The City we lived in was a little town within a metropolitan city and a historic area founded in the late 1800’s. We loved it there. The people were great and we felt like we were part of a community. We developed several friendships that would have grown had we remained there. Staying there wasn’t an option we could choose. We had to move to an area where the public schools could handle the special needs of the kids.

I miss the friendships that just happened by chance because there were parks and pools and parent co-ops and I miss that most of the people in our social circle knew about the kids’ ARPKD & OMA and our struggles. It was just easier. Because the kids aren’t noticeably “sick” or “challenged” at first glance, we have to decide when people should know. If I don’t share it I feel like we’re pretending (yes, we’re posers sometimes). And because Gage was held back and will be turning 7 while in Kindergarten (Take 2) people think “there must be a reason” and I want to give it to them. In general conversations about kids and schools, I immediately tell people about Quinn’s problems and about the special ed school she attends.

Why is that?

A simple reason is that it’s easier if they know. But If I’m honest, I want to weed them out (or in as the case may be) as quickly as possible. Can they handle it? After almost six years, I can tell almost immediately if our kids will play together and if a family friendship will form.

Let’s face it – we come with a lot of baggage, oh yes we do. If you know us, you know what is going on with the kids’ health because we’re like that…share, share, share. I’ll have to ponder if the reason we’ve not enlarged our friendship circle by much is because of my inability to share the entire story over and over. And if we even have to in order to widen that circle.