Clearly, it’s no secret that we’ve had our share of behavior problems with Gage. At home and school. We’d tried several things…time outs, earning back toys with good behavior, pennies for good behavior and “shopping” trips at the Mommy Store, nothing worked.

We’d been having problems for a long time by the time we consulted with a psychologist last June who specializes in behavior. He was the professor of a trusted friend who has a PhD in psychology. On the professor’s advice, we implemented a Child Management Program (CMP) based on insights from us about Gage, insights from his impression about Gage (he’d met him once) and a book called Parents are Teachers (don’t be thrown by the 1971 published date – yes, it’s strange to hear references to the pay scale in 1971, but easy to gloss over that). 

I’ll just refer to the good Dr. as (The Man Who) Knows All Things Behavioral, or Dr. KATB. So, he noticed that Gage was getting a lot of attention from us for both good and bad behavior. Gage was seeking attention from us…and he didn’t care what he did to get it. Examples of his behavior were 1) hurting Quinn 2) not following simple instruction 3) impulse control problem 4) aggressive behavior, among many other things, but you get the picture. We charted his behavior for a period of time and he was hurting Quinn no less than 8 times per day, and non-compliant 80% of the time.

With the book read, and input from Dr. KATB, we began phase one to Gage’s Behavior Modification Plan…

1)      

Ignore bad behavior, when possible (if it isn’t hurting himself or someone else, or damaging property).

I will tell you one thing people: this is harder than it sounds. Okay, I’ll tell you something else: it is VERY, VERY hard to ignore your child when HE IS GETTING ON YOUR LAST AND ONLY NERVE AND YOU ARE SURE HIS HEAD WILL SPIN ANY SECOND, AND YOU HAVE TO USE EVERY RESERVE IN YOUR BODY NOT TO LOSE IT, AND THEN YOU REALIZE HE IS SIX AND YOU REALLY ARE SMARTER. SO TAKE THAT LITTLE BOY.

2)      

Praise, Praise, Praise anything that can be considered good behavior. When I say “anything” I mean…”Gage, I love the way you are walking down the hall” or “Gage, you are doing such a great job eating that apple!”

So, we started that. The praising was easy, we did it already at the time, and we just bumped it up. We praised Gage for anything we could. Sitting. Walking. Standing. Eating. Playing. Anything and everything.  “Great job Gage!” – “That’s a super way to do that!” – “That is awesome!” – “I love the way you washed your hands!” – “Fantastic!” – “You are doing a super with that!” – “Look at how nice you are to Quinn! You’re a super brother!”  I must say, this is a better way to spend your day than the alternative.

Two weeks later Phase One was well under way. We met with Dr. KATB weekly to discuss certain situations and get feedback on how to handle everything. He wanted us to institute Phase Two. The goal is to extinct a bad behavior one at a time. First up on the list: aggression. The punishment: Time Out. This time out? Not for sissies. 30 Minutes. Yeah. That was fun the first time.

First day: 2 time outs

Second day: 2 time outs

Third day: 1 time out

Fourth day: 1 time out

Fifth day: no time outs.

Turns out, Ignoring Bad Behavior, Praising Whenever Possible, and 30 Minute Time Outs were Gage’s magic formula.

Now you understand why I call it "Parent Behavior Modification" not "Child Managment Program."

There’s so much more to share about The Program and our continuing struggles (and the lovely experiences that have come out of this too). But this was our start.

Gage’s bad behavior wasn’t about him at all really, or him making bad choices. It was all about us. Great. Just great. You mean I can’t blame it on my kid?