I knew I wouldn’t be able to donate a kidney to Gage or Quinn. Nearly two years ago when this happened I’d felt that I wouldn’t be able to even though I tried to put it out of my mind. The day after the news Julian couldn’t donate I’d picked up a copy of my stone reports and delivered them promplty to the transplant team on Friday.

So today, just now when I got the call that I am a "multiple kidney stone former" and it wouldn’t be in my "best interest to donate" I had already known it and made peace with the fact. Am I sad? Beyond words. But if I let my sadness take over from the goal at hand, we lose.  I will say I felt when she talked about my best interest I wanted to scream "But really, my best interest is seeing my child live! It’s my best interest for him to live off of dialysis! Really!" But I’m afraid they wouldn’t buy that.

The next step will be to send two (O blood) people over for blood work – for cross matching. They will select the best candidate from those two or if they are equal we’ll all decide who to send for the 2 day testing. At this point we have no idea who those two people are. But we have had several people say they would be tested. We’re so lucky and blessed that way. In addition at the weekly transplant team meetings today they will be discussing putting Gage on the active transplant list. And I assume that we have input where that is concerned. I hear it’s best for Gage to get a living donor kidney but know nothing concrete. I did want some more doctor input on this though.

All of this has my head spinning and tears barely visible around the edges of my eyes. I think I’m not balling my eyes out right now because that would be counter productive to figuring out the next steps and also I am pretty thankful it only took them 6 days to rule me out.

Small favors.