It’s nearly November and I haven’t provided a recap as to what is going on with Gage’s behavior since we instigated Operation Get The Power Back.

That could be because I have been so busy actually working The Program trying to get The Power back that I haven’t actually had time to write about The Power.

I guess we have made progress. But I have to be honest, when there is a child such as Gage and his antics, a little bit of progress is A LOT of progress and should be celebrated but it is easy to miss because there are so many issues all the time. I have recently just learned that little tidbit.

So, to recap. We started the behavior modification just over two years ago. One of the main reasons we started seeing a behaviorist (and paying out-of-pocket might I add) was because Gage was treating Quinn poorly. And by poorly I mean aggressive behavior that was dangerous. Two years ago Quinn’s balance wasn’t as good as it is today and Gage screaming at her and/or hitting her while she was at the top of the stairs was a normal activity. We’d tried many things on our own, including taking away all of his possessions, charts, rewards, etc. It wasn’t going well. Before we sought out Dr. KATB (Knows All Things Behavioral) I sat at my desk crying because we couldn’t get in front of the attacks on Quinn. In addition, behavior at school was rough. He was also very non-compliant. By non-compliant I mean Gage pretty much didn’t do anything we asked the first time, and rarely the second. And maybe or maybe not the third. I felt as a complete failure as a parent to Gage. I declared that day that I couldn’t do it.

The Program included ignoring bad behavior, praising good behavior (in the early days all we could compliment him on was standing, holding is fork, drinking water – you get the idea). We also tried to put Gage in situations in which he could be successful and we tried to keep him out of situations where he could get in trouble. As an example, Gage always did horribly in malls or grocery stores. So why did I put him in that situation? I wised up and quit taking him. For at least a year, Gage didn’t enter any kind of store establishment. Each week we would log the behavioral events of the week to discuss with Dr. KATB and take his input, discuss tweaking the program, the good doc would analyze how we reacted in certain situations and tell us why IT WAS WRONG TO REACT THAT WAY and we’d tweak the program some more. Weekly. For several weeks. The progress was slow, but consistent because we were parenting him differently.

It is one of the hardest things I have ever done.

We got to back off of some of the modifications as Gage’s behavior improved and we didn’t see the doc as much. We coasted a little bit. Then Gage started 1st grade and went into acute kidney failure. Then dialysis happened. Then our new normal happened; it was a normal that was so completely not normal it was ridiculous. And then Dr. KATB went on leave for 6 weeks, then we were busy and distracted and his bad behavior crept up on us again. It wasn’t as bad as it once was, but there was certainly a heightened non-compliance issue and impulse control problem. Then he got a new kidney, and then we were all getting back to "normal" and then as quickly as the summer hit, summer was over. Then 2nd grade started. His bad behavior intensified. It was hard on him getting back to the normal routine of going to school again (without being a celebrity at the school) as a healthy child. And well, after a tearful evening while I was cooking Swedish pancakes while having a breakdown and Julian was threatening Gage, a few phone calls and emails were sent to the doc, and that is when we started Behavior Modification Phase 2.

The start of 2nd grade was rocky. Luckily his teacher started the year out with a program for her class that includes "apple sticks" (well, at the beginning of the year they were sticks with apple cut outs on them, and now, the apples are all gone, but we all still call them apple sticks) and if he keeps all sticks that day he gets an apple A+ stamp on his planner that comes home each day. He can earn apple sticks in math and in speech as well. Until recently, he hadn’t received a full week of apple stamps. At least one day – sometimes two in the week – he’d loose an apple stick and not get the A+ stamp. If a child gets 5 A+ stamps in one week, they get to choose a prize from the teacher treat box. Out of all the weeks since school started he has been able to get a treat only a few times.

We’ve also gone back to basics on the program. Ignore. Praise. Rinse. Repeat. Things have improved, ever so slightly.

Last week, I brought Gage with me to see the doc and Gage was very energetic. He didn’t sit still but he wasn’t defiant. Gage sat (Really! He didn’t leave and run up and down the hall and destroy things!)outside the office while I spoke with the doc and the way I kept him near the office was to send notes under the door. He’d return a note back to me. It was all very fun and cute. Much different from the first horrible visit in which Gage’s behavior was noticed as "provocatively" bad with momma. The doc reminded me about the progress Gage had made and it was extremely helpful for me to get that validation. Because it is hard to notice during the middle of working The Program. Gage was compliant in cleaning up paper in the hall. He was compliant putting on his shoes. The doc noticed this and gave me a note to point it out to me. I think I had taken that for granted…the act of asking your child to do a simple task and HE DOES IT. I’m as surprised as I can be that I took that for granted. And I’ve been trying to figure out why I haven’t been appreciating how far Gage has come behaviorally.

It’s because of the day-to-day issues with Gage. People we know and don’t know can’t understand how truly hard it is. They might see him and judge us. They might think that if we were only better parents…it’s also the almost daily notes and emails back and forth from the teachers at his school about the details of his behavior to see if we can tweak anything that will make a difference. It is hard to see Gage’s progress while living the day with him, as he can make it ever so challenging. It’s hard to see that we’ve become the kind of parents that Gage needed because to the outside world, Gage is still a behavior-problem child. Those people in the outside world, they just don’t know what we know.

So, as of today, I’m going to celebrate the progress Gage has made. And I’m going to keep at The Program.

At least until he does something that shocks me and sets me back at little. And then I’ll get to working The Program again.