Gage’s psychairtrist and I have found a groove. Yesterday she increased the concerta after we and the teachers say that Gage is still unfocused and all over the place. Gage started it today and we should know in the next couple of days if it is better.

When we have this issue settled a bit, we will go up on the zoloft. She doesn’t want to change two meds at the same time so we are looking at the crisis of the day, or the day before, or the few days before that and since she was able to read Gage’s planner, where just some of the notes about Gage exist, well, let’s just say she is a believer.

I think the relationship shifted when she put Gage’s case up to peer review and I sense they said if we worked with a behaviorist (they knew him)  for 4 years then we need to move on to other treatments. I think it was then that she maybe started to believe me. Before that, I got the feeling that she was skeptical. That we were going through a rough spell with Gage and that maybe we just weren’t doing all we needed to in order to help the situation, but as times goes on and I tell her where we’ve been she’s maybe thinking I am not a drug seeking mother who wants to zombie-out her child. Which I very much do not, but if the meds help Gage cope, then who am I to deny that from him? He has enough to deal with as it is and if we can ease his suffering from anxiety, depression, and lack of attention, and an overabundant of impulsiveness, then we will.

Because that is our responsibility to him regardless of our personal desires and internal struggles with meds. I am not a fan of putting Gage on more meds. Julian isn’t a fan of these meds. I’m comfortable with where we are and the plan to follow up with her in 2 weeks. We’re on an every 2 week schedule with her.

This week I spoke with a woman whose teenager is in an adolescent residential facility because of many of the same problems that Gage exhibits, but more intense. He survived a very serious childhood illness that was full of medical interventions and the experience has not left him without issues. This was their last resort. It is expected that he will be there for months, but things are improving.

I thought a lot about her this week and how difficult that choice must have been and then I understood how she must have felt when she arranged this and had to tell her son. And then I thought about her dropping off her son to live somewhere else, for months. But I believe that through the sadness (and relief, I imagine) that she must have felt some hope, too.

And then I thought about Gage and how as much as that would hurt me to the core of my soul I would do it if I thought that meant the difference between a life of continual struggles with stability with education, future employment, socialization and his self worth. Because trying to foster those qualities are our responsibility to our kids, and finding the right way for him – not us – is what we would do. And is what we do.

As parents, we set aside our own standards – higher or lower – and we make them fit our Gage. It’s what I can do. It’s all I can do.