Just 24 hours ago I had a call from the school. It was about Gage and he was being, well, Gage, but Gage revved up. He was being destructive with school property and disrespectful and could possibly be lying about a pretty serious incident.

In all honesty, he’s been on his way to this for the last 4-5 days. He’d been rough on Tuesday morning and the day proved that he couldn’t get it back together. So yesterday, while I was sad and disappointed for Gage, I wasn’t all that surprised. Suspension was discussed, but you know what? For a boy who hates, hates, hates school right now? That would be a perfect end to a horrible year. Get to spend your last week at home. Turns out for Gage that would be a reward. The school is very supportive and know we are fully engaged in the situation with Gage and probably somewhat give him/us some leeway. Which is the right thing to do in the case of Gage, but also very appreciated by us. Gage just can’t be “rewarded” with time out of school.

Julian was traveling and it was going to be a jam packed day of a psychiatry (timely, right?) appointment and piano for Gage, swimming for Quinn, anyway, so what’s a little school crisis?

Gage was pretty much shut down the entire appointment with the psychiatrist. He did answer yes and no questions with a nod. All we know is that he is angry and sad and doesn’t know why, but he feels it in his stomach and brain. And he looked sad. I could feel his sadness and frustration in the room. This is probably one of those cases where way back when in October she said, “it’s going to get worse before its gets better” things, or it is a manic-like state consistent with depression. But she was quick to say she didn’t think he was bipolar (yet) but that would be something she’d be looking for given the situation. We’re also to be looking out for him cutting/hurting himself — he’s a prime candidate for that, too. She hopes a bump in the antidepressant will help and she’s hoping he’ll settle down in the next week to two weeks.

On a positive note he did let me lay with him in bed and we talked for a good long time. While he listened intently I told him that I will love him always, no matter what, and for me that meant that I will never, ever give up on helping him through his anger and sadness. That as a family, we’d stick together and work it out – whatever that meant. It meant that we will never, never stop looking for answers so he can return to the happy Gage he once was. I can tell you that was the most he’d listened to me yesterday.

I can’t say I ever saw mental health issues a huge part of my parenting challenge with the kids after they were diagnosed; I just thought I had to keep them alive. Of course, after we began to unravel this tangled mess that we know as Gage’s mental health, it really makes so much sense, given his personality and medical situation. I’m not surprised now that’s for sure.

Just an example of that…when the doctor said, “Have you noticed any cutting his arms, legs…” I responded, not back with a feeling of shock, like any parent would, but quickly with “No, and I’ve been really looking for that.” That’s just downright cynical, right? That I’m anticipating Gage to be in the small majority of male kid cutters.

With a kid like Gage you really have to be looking for the worst hoping for the best. It’s a defense mechanism for me just to cope. If I didn’t try to stay ahead of the worst thing that can happen, I’d be crying in a corner somewhere as it happened.

Just in case you needed to know why my marriage is strong…

On the phone returning from Gage’s (kidney) clinic visit today I was on the cell with Julian and we were speaking in code because Gage was in the car with me, which often sounds like this,

Julian: “So, how is he today.”

Me: “Well, you know.”

Julian: “No, I don’t.”

Me: “Then guess.”

Julian: “Bad?”

Me: “Not heinous at least.”

Julian: “See, if we just keep lowering our standard, then it won’t look so bad.”

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And that my folks, is how we are entering our weekend.